Yes, Britain’s railways are a mess. But is anyone sober enough to care? | Zoe Williams

Prosecco for the birthday party, Pimm’s for the horsey bunch, some cheeky Stellas for the short-haul crowd: it was all going down on my train the other morning On Saturday I went to Liverpool with my youngest, and the overhead lines went down at Crewe, but also there were crew shortages across the land, so between the homophones and my lifelong inability to start listening to a train announcement until halfway through, I cannot tell you at what point this journey became a five-train, four-hour odyssey.

All I know is what’s happening on every train, in every part of the country. The 7. 48am is a calm and ordered cohort of people who think they know where they’re going and will be there soon. And from 9. 04am onwards, everyone’s drunk, all the way to everywhere. Between Rugby and Birmingham New…