The worst two words in the dead of night? ‘Motorway closed’ | Adrian Chiles

You are shunted into side streets, crawling along, united with your fellow drivers in wordless despair. Last week, at 2am, my spirit broke The worst three words in the transport lexicon are often said to be “rail”, “replacement” and “bus”, in that order. But there’s worse. “Motorway closed” is worse. At least with rail replacement buses you get fair warning, on booking apps and whatnot. You can resolve to embrace the pain or, more likely, abandon the journey.

Motorway closures, in the dead of night, invariably come as a nasty surprise. Waze, Google Maps, Apple Maps, etc can reliably get you from a car park in Penzance to a cul-de-sac in East Kilbride, but often can’t tell the difference between an open motorway and a shut motorway in the middle of the night. Football fans know all about this. You travel across the country for an evening match, and you lose. The prospect of a long drive home blackens your mood further, but as you slope away from the ground you cling to one…